Christopher Luxon hosted the Black Caps and visiting English test team at Premier House earlier this week. Joel MacManus took extensive notes of every moment from the 30 reportable minutes.

On Tuesday evening, prime minister Christopher Luxon welcomed the New Zealand and England men’s teams to Premier House ahead of their second test at the Basin Reserve. Only the first half-hour of the event was on the record before the event entered Chatham House Rules, which means the media were allowed to attend but could not report on anything that happened. So here’s everything that happened in that time.

• A gaggle of cricketers is standing around in the parking lot, chatting in small circles. The New Zealanders are wearing their warmup kit, and the English are in black polo shirts.
• The England players are all wearing matching shoes. The Black Caps are not.
• On the other side of the parking lot a group of high school students – the captains of 1st XI teams from around Wellington – have formed a similar awkward circle. Two of them are practising invisible sweep shots.
• “Alright, everyone. We’re ready,” calls a staff member as the gates open and the crowd moves up the driveway.
• The media pack leads the way past the front entrance of the house. Luxon is standing there ready to greet the players. “Why are you all here?” he says with a laugh as the journalists walk by. “We’re here to see you get bowled out,” Newstalk ZB political editor Jason Walls replies. Luxon makes an “aaah” noise and wags his finger.
• Luxon begins the very long process of taking a photo with each player, starting with the English team. The speakers play Fat Freddy’s Drop.
• Ben Stokes is wearing short pants that show off lots of ankle. Scandalous.

• Zak Crawley is very tall.
• Brendon McCullum has a swagger about him, like a conquering hero returning to his homeland.
• Tom Latham seems awkward about putting his arm around Luxon for the photo, but they eventually take each other by the waist. As they break apart, Luxon rubs Latham’s bicep affectionately.
• Kane Williamson keeps his hands in his pockets as Luxon puts his arm around his waist. He smiles as he walks away.
• Glenn Phillips is very enthusiastic and grabs the prime minister like an old mate.

• Luxon taps Tim Southee on the side of his hip as if he is about to start a waltz. Southee drapes his arm over the prime minister’s shoulder.
• Devon Conway crosses his arms and tucks his hands deep into his armpits as he chats with the prime minister. Luxon attempts a fist bump. It’s not successful.
• Daryl Mitchell clasps his hands behind his back for the photo. Luxon puts his arm around Mitchell’s waist anyway.

• Mitchell Santner puts his arm around Luxon, who lightly strokes the spin bowler’s lower back.
• Will O’Rourke keeps his hands deep in his pockets.
• After the individual photos are finished, the crowd gathers on the back lawn. Minister of sport Chris Bishop takes the podium while Luxon engages in horseplay with Tom Latham, grabbing the New Zealand captain’s shoulders and jokingly hiding behind him. Bishop keeps it short: “It’s never a good idea to keep the prime minister waiting.” He introduces Luxon as “the right honourable prime minister and, most importantly, a huge cricket fan”.

• Luxon takes to the podium and tells an anecdote about how he and Bishop used to play indoor cricket in the long straight hallways outside their opposition caucus room, but “now we’re in a round building, it’s not so effective.” The joke doesn’t land; he clearly overestimates how many of the assembled cricketers are familiar with the contrasting architecture of Parliament House and the Beehive.
• “There are 42 people who have been prime minister of New Zealand, and of the 41 who have gone before me, I don’t think you’ll find as big a cricket fan as myself,” Luxon says.

FACT CHECK: Is Christopher Luxon the biggest cricket fan to ever be prime minister of New Zealand? Four prime ministers have suited up for the parliamentary cricket team since 1884: Robert Muldoon, Geoffrey Palmer, Bill English and Joseph Ward. Notably absent from that list is Christopher Mark Luxon.

However, Luxon has been photographed playing cricket on at least two occasions: earlier in the year at an event with the Australian team and at a National Party retreat in 2021, which generated this amazing headline and photo in the NZ Herald.

• England captain Ben Stokes is up next and thanks the prime minister. “I wish I could say I love politics as much as you love cricket. Back home, I just vote for whoever my wife tells me to.”
• Stokes stumbles while trying to pronounce “hospitable”. He tries again and fails again. “See, I can’t even say the word,” he says. Luxon calls out, “friendly,” and gives a thumbs up. He sticks his tongue out as he smiles.
• New Zealand captain Tom Latham keeps his remarks brief. He has a message for the prime minister: “Good news, Neil Wagner’s not here, so you won’t be getting any bouncers tonight” – referring to the barrage he faced in February.
• Bishop takes the podium again and tries to get a game of backyard cricket going. “I’m putting the PM on the spot a bit here, but I think he’s going to take some balls from some of the 1st XI captains and maybe some of the players… he doesn’t look very happy about this.”
• The two teams gather for a photo with Luxon, Bishop, and British High Commissioner Iona Thomas in the middle. Chris Bishop is beaming. This may be the greatest moment of his life.

• Kane Williamson cleans something off Luxon’s tie.
• Pitch inspection: There is a lot of grass on the wicket for the seamers to get stuck into, but there are a couple of dead patches, which should get the spinners excited. We may see some tennis ball bounce early, with the wicket getting easier to bat on as the day progresses. Length will be vital.

• In classic high schooler fashion, the first XI captains seem too nervous to talk to the players. They grab some cans of Sprite and sidle off to play backyard cricket.
• The TV camera operators are getting anxious; there’s only a few minutes left until we enter Chatham House rules, and we don’t know if the prime minister will pick up the bat. There’s some lobbying going on with the press secretaries.
• The international players don’t seem too keen, except for Glenn Philips, who drags around a purple plastic bat but can’t convince his friends to play with him.
• Having failed to recruit the prime minister, Chris Bishop takes to the pitch himself to open the bowling against some high schoolers.
• 1st ball: Wide, almost a double-bouncer. The batsman mercifully taps it back to the bowler’s end.
• 2nd ball: The batsman hits a hard drive into a tree at extra cover.
• 3rd ball: Floats off the bat high and straight. There’s an easy catch for the bowler, but Bishop doesn’t make an attempt.
• 4th ball: A hard drive to long off, almost reaching the drinks table.
• 5th ball: Down leg side, the batsman reverse sweeps straight to the slips. He looks like he was trying to get out intentionally. A new batsman is in, and Bishop smells blood.
• 6th ball: A quick yorker that slips under the batsman’s feet.
• 7th ball: Another quick yorker, and this time he gets a nick on the bat, and it’s caught in the slips.

• Chris Bishop comes into bat.
• 1st ball: A swing and a miss. He tries to claim it was a leave. It wasn’t.
• 2nd ball: Cuts it square to point, just a couple of metres from where I am sitting, taking notes of the game.
• The third ball pops off the bat and flies high in the air to extra cover. It’s within my grasp. From my seated position, I dive/fall to my left. The ball falls a few centimetres short of my outstretched fingers, and I get grass stains all over my new shirt.
• 4th ball: Down leg side. Leave.
• 5th ball: A quick one, Bishop blocks it forward.
• 6th ball: Another quick one,  Bishop hits a huge shot high into the tree at cover.
• 7th ball: “I’ll try to send one into the crowd,” Bishop says. He takes a big swing and gets clean bowled, the middle stump almost dislodges from the plastic base.

• Bishop walks off to have another crack at convincing Luxon to have a bat. Luxon is busy drinking Coke Zero and having a highly engaged conversation with Matt Henry.

• A press secretary informs the media that the event is now entering Chatham House rules. Everything from that point onwards is a mystery shrouded in darkness, hidden from the public forever, a Schrödinger’s box of backyard cricket, lime-flavoured lamingtons, and plain beef sausages with no sauce or bread.