Madeleine Chapman reflects on the week that was.

From the moment I started high school and realised almost every other girl in my year was at least partially interested in what the boys were up to, I realised that I would be single for life. The feeling wasn’t one of sadness or resignation but clarity. I took it as read that my ambivalence towards the guys was reciprocated and a peaceful silent agreement had been reached. I would be single, work hard, and likely live at home forever until my parents needed caring for in their old age.

The feeling persisted for nearly 15 years until I turned 27. So for 15 years I lived a life that didn’t include the part-time job of dating. Time was instead committed to some sort of work, whether it was a million different sports, half a dozen small jobs while studying, or a fulltime job. Then I realised very suddenly that actually it wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in romance or dating, I just wasn’t interested in men.

When I tell people about my 20s, there is a theme of sympathy and regret in their responses. The regret I can understand, at least on the closeted part. But I can’t look back at it without marvelling at how much you can do on your own when you’re not thinking about relationships or the lack thereof. When you aren’t thinking about or trying to find someone or worrying about not finding someone or worrying about your age, you have a lot of hours in the day. In my case, I filled nearly all of those hours with writing. I lived with six lovely friends yet made little effort to spend time with them.

I happily took on a stressful book deal and slept in a downtown office for three months for the possibility of achieving a childhood goal and earning more money than I ever had. Not the guarantee of success, just the possibility, was enough. What else did I have to do? So I wrote the book and now I own a house. If somebody offered me the exact same book deal today, I would say no before they even finished the question.

At 27, I realised that I was in fact a huge romantic and really loved the idea of being in a relationship, just one that looked different to what I had assumed it would when I was younger, so I was forced to adjust my work expectations accordingly. Turns out it’s not a massive turn on to be late to everything or constantly checking your phone or, I’m sure, trying to find the story in every little moment.

I can say with full certainty that if I had fallen in love when I was 22 or even just got into a relationship, I would not have done half of the things that I ended up doing and I would certainly not be where I am right now as a writer. But I might have been a little happier. Not because of the relationship but because of the life balance it requires you to learn.

I have no regrets about not having romantic relationships in that time. What I do regret is conflating being a “relationship person” with “having a life” and subsequently having neither. I wish I had appreciated the value in other types of relationships, which also require time and energy and commitment.

This week, we proudly released the first episode of Bryn & Ku’s Singles Club, in which Brynley Stent and Kura Forrester travel the country in search of love and, more crucially, a deeper sense of what it really means to be single. It is a beautiful, tender and vulnerable exploration of the admin and perseverance required when searching for a partner, but also serves as a reminder of how beautiful every non-romantic relationship is and the vital role they play in all of our lives. Bryn and Ku’s friendship throughout the show is a testament to that. Because being single doesn’t mean you have to be alone.

This week on Behind the Story

Live! Bryn & Ku’s Singles Club

This week The Spinoff hosted a galentines party at Q Theatre in Auckland to celebrate the release of Bryn & Ku’s Singles Club, a six-part video series following two crack up comedians on their quest for love. Bryn and Ku travel the country looking for love and speaking to all sorts of people about what it means to be single as you get older. After watching the first episode with a live audience, I spoke to Bryn and Ku for a live Behind the Story about making such a vulnerable show, the chaos of dating on camera, and whether or not the search for love was fruitful.

What have readers spent the most time reading this week?

• Anna Rawhiti-Connell ranks the events of Christopher Luxon’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week
• The last time New Zealand had this kind of recession, we voted in MMP. Henry Cooke looks at what we might do this time
• Joel MacManus on what Act’s Nicole McKee misunderstands about te Tiriti o Waitangi
• From tradwives to ‘petite blonde’ preferences, this season of MAFS AU feels like a throwback for all the wrong reasons, writes Alex Casey
• In one of this week’s Echo Chamber, Joel MacManus details all the ways David Seymour has been a very naughty boy

Comments of the week

– On Help Me Hera: Is Elon Musk the antichrist?

“Look, I’m not into Bible fanfiction but I’m pretty sure the Antichrist and the Devil are different characters. The Devil’s been plugging away at his job for millennia, since shortly after the dawn of time. The Antichrist, if I remember correctly, would be a charismatic figure who gains great power shortly before things get apocalyptic. Elon Musk has no charisma. He has what the late Sir Terry Pratchett called charisn’tma. So it’s not him.” — Airy

– On A review of the new Courtenay Place design

“‘slipperier than a banana peel coated in lube’ is my favourite phrase of the year so far. Thank you for that. You should definitely keep it in reserve, it could easily be applied to at least half a dozen individuals you might cover in upcoming political stories as well.” — Steve_Steveson

Pick up where this leaves off

Sign up for Madeleine’s weekly Saturday newsletter, which includes more handpicked recommended reading, watching and listening for your weekend.