The more I think about it, the more confused I feel. Is this a sign I’m not ready?

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Dear Hera,

I’ve been thinking about it for a year and I still can’t decide if I want to try to become a parent. I’m in my early 30s so the decision is not yet urgent, but becoming more so. I see the appeal of both being a parent *and* choosing to remain childfree. I’ve been talking to friends (both parents and non-parents) about it, and I’ve been reading endlessly about the experiences of both sides, but all this research only seems to have pulled me deeper into indecision. Bringing kids into a burning world such as this one terrifies me. Not getting a full night’s sleep for three or so years also terrifies me. But I can also see the potential for immense joy, wonder and creativity.

I’m in a relationship and lucky to be relatively financially stable. My partner feels similar to me, and essentially said it’s my decision since I’m the one who would have to carry another human inside my body.

If I’m having to ponder this so much, does this mean I actually *don’t* want this? Do I just crave the certainty of someone who has always known what they want? I’m curious about parenthood – but is this only because I’m scared of missing out on some kind of essential human experience?! Do I actually like babies? Sometimes – but they also scare me.

Sincerely,

Undecided!

Dear Undecided,

I’ve reviewed your letter carefully, weighed up the pros and cons, and am happy to tell you that you should definitely have children. Twin boys, in fact. Named Excelsior and Blade.  

Setting aside the caveat that I might be the single worst person to answer this particular question, I wanted to give you a brief moment of fraudulent certainty, because it sounds like you’re getting splinters from sitting on the fence for so long.  

Obviously I can’t answer this question for you. But I don’t think your inability to decide means you secretly don’t want kids.  I think it’s a reflection of the fact that for most of human history, children were something that happened to you, whether you liked it or not. Birth control, abortion rights, changing social expectations, financial independence, women’s liberation, not needing to raise seven burly sons to plough the beet fields – all of these developments have made parenthood a lot more optional than it used to be. Some people are lucky enough to know what they want, but these people occupy a small minority, and everyone else has to hedge their bets and take the same leap of faith.

In regards to the burning world, I understand your concern, but it pays to remember the perilous circumstances most of our ancestors were born into. Whenever I feel convinced we’re in a uniquely fucked situation, I think of the babies born during plagues, famines, wars and ice ages. The future may be frightening, but at least it’s not the past. Climate change is a grave existential threat, but so was giving birth before the invention of the caesarean section.

As for the sleep problem – I have nothing consoling to add. It is what it is, and what it is (according to 99% of sources) is brutal. 

One of the reasons this question is so hard to answer is nobody has any idea what having children will be like until it’s already too late. It’s hard to trust the advice of others, which is frequently contradictory, full of hidden agendas, and not always entirely honest. Even when the advice is genuine, it’s definitely not one-size-fits-all.  

I’ve heard some people say you shouldn’t have kids until you’re absolutely 100% certain that you want them. I’ve talked to others who never wanted kids but had kids anyway, and whose lives were transformed by joy. We’ve all read the anonymous think-pieces from people who secretly regret their decision, and heard stories from friends who said that if they truly understood what having children entailed before they would never have done it and yet are glad they did anyway. Ask someone who has adult children and someone who has two kids under the age of five, and they’re sure to give you completely different answers. It’s equally hard to talk about deciding to be child-free, both because your curiosity is never really satisfied and because “childfree” is a hideous term, that sounds like some kind of luxury allergy. 

None of this is particularly helpful. But I do think it’s impossible to truly make an informed decision. You could spend years researching the facts and interrogating your deepest desires and you’ll still never really be prepared. Even people who have always dreamed of kids, and spent their childhoods begging for dolls that shit themselves must still make the leap into the same unknowable abyss. 

I can’t tell you what to do. But I do think you sound very alone in this and would like to recommend your partner gets a bit more involved in the decision-making process. 

I appreciate they’re trying to be understanding by acknowledging that pushing a human out of your body is, as a concept, completely fucked. But it sounds like you could use some help here. It’s scary to make a unilateral life-shaping decision, without any real enthusiasm coming from the person you’re planning to share a life with. If your partner came to you and said “I really do/don’t want this”, would that feel like a relief or unwanted pressure? There’s a fine line between politeness and apathy, and seeing as they’re the only other person who is actually qualified to weigh in on this, I think they have a responsibility, both to themselves and to you, to partake in some genuine soul-searching. Even if it doesn’t make your joint decision any easier, it would be nice to feel you had an ally during this process. 

Whatever you decide, I don’t think there’s necessarily any such thing as a “wrong decision.” Whatever you choose, I believe you can find a way to make it right for you. You might decide you want to and not get what you want. You might not want to, and find it happens anyway. Either way, it’s all about the execution. But stop trying to hash this one out alone. Your body, your choice is an affirmation of bodily autonomy, not a cop out.