I’ve just realised that I dislike one of my friends. What do I do?

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Hi Hera, 

I have figured out that I just… don’t like someone in my extended friend group. They’re the kind of person who comes with the warning label, ‘oh but they’re just like that.‘ Personally, I find them to be pretty inconsiderate, bordering on mean. But I don’t think they do or say anything maliciously, and they haven’t done anything I could point to as the one, unforgivable thing that made me dislike them, so I wouldn’t feel particularly justified in escalating it to a trial-by-friend-group situation. 

But, I also feel pretty disingenuous by continuing to hang out with them, to the point that I think it’s affecting my enjoyment of group hangs, even though I love the rest of the group. I’m finding myself putting off organising a small celebration for myself because I don’t want to invite them, but excluding them will definitely be noticed and could cause division. Unfortunately, I’m also not really keen on having a direct conversation with them either, as I know from other people who have confronted them on their behaviour that this would not go well. 

I hope you have a little more insight than me, I tend to lean socially anxious, and I might not be seeing the wood for the trees on this one. 

Sincerely, 

Stuck 

Dear Stuck 

It doesn’t matter whether you’re part of a hiking club, a barbershop quartet or even a group of twelve committed disciples trying to spread the message of Christ. There’s always going to be “that one person.” 

What to do with “that one person” depends on how big your group of friends is and how annoying they are. Are they actively causing drama, or do they just have a slightly grating personality? How easy is it to ignore them? 

There are some circumstances when ignoring someone doesn’t cut it. Maybe they always insist on going to mini golf, and you hate mini golf. Maybe you caught them trying to betray you for thirty pieces of silver. But unless they’re intentionally trying to make your life miserable, your best option is probably to learn to live with them.

Admittedly, this is not very exciting advice to receive. But not every problem in life has a good solution, and I fear this is one of them. Unless you are willing to create a schism within your friendship group, you probably have to make peace with it. 

You’re not being disingenuous by continuing to hang out with this person. It’s OK not to like people and still do your best to get along with them. That’s not being fake. That’s being diplomatic. Under no circumstances do you need to have any kind of difficult conversation about your feelings with the person in question. Nothing good will come of it. 

If their heinous personality is truly bumming you out, take some time away from the group and try and see your closer friends one on one. You can even discuss it with the people you’re closest to, and see if they feel similarly. If you want to have a small and private birthday party with just your closest friends, there’s nothing rude about that. 

But don’t let one person ruin an otherwise good thing. Who cares if there are a few wasps at the picnic? Trying to diplomatically exclude someone is sometimes more stressful than the alternative. It’s easy to accidentally wind yourself up over something like this and inadvertently end up hurting yourself in the process.

Your dislike isn’t unreasonable or unkind. But it’s also not that important. Ignoring this person doesn’t mean accepting defeat. It means deciding their presence is an inconvenient reality you don’t need to fix. 

Big friendship groups have short expiration dates. People get married, have breakdowns and move to Italy to study fossils. Strengthen your friendships with the people closest to you as they’ll endure longest. You don’t have to like everyone equally, but you’ll never have such a large and eclectic group of people at your disposal again, so try to enjoy the chaos and drama while it lasts.

People often get less irritating as they grow up, and even if you don’t like each other now, you may find that spending enough time together at such an intense and impressionable age may eventually forge an unlikely friendship. Some of the most beautiful and rewarding relationships can spring up from an initial mutual dislike. 

Then again, some people are annoying forever. 

Either way, try not to let your completely natural and understandable dislike for someone spoil an otherwise wonderful situation.

Good luck!