Let’s all just keep this on the downlow.

Pray for Andy Foster. Or, better still, hide him. As the New Zealand First list MP will be acutely, tremulously aware, his party leader is presently on something of a rampage, lasering his gaze across the benches of parliament at any MP who has the temerity to (a) deploy Māori language and (b) be an immigrant. 

We’ll return to Foster’s misfortune in a moment, but first a quick recap. In recent weeks Winston Peters (the deputy prime minister of New Zealand) has taken aim at MPs who have immigrated to this country, saying they should “show some gratitude”. The other half of the pantomime horse, Shane Jones, chipped in with, “Send the Mexicans home”. Challenged on the remarks later, acclaimed orator Jones said that Green MP Ricardo Menéndez March, who migrated from Mexico 19 years ago, should “grow a pair”. And: “He swaggers around in parliament, been there five or 10 minutes and thinks he can tell Winston and I [sic] what to do … He brings alien ideas and woke-ism to New Zealand.”

Now, you might think these remarks are simply a continuation of the NZ First fascination with Mexico. After all, one of Peters’ favourite comedy bits – which Winstonologists have heard dozens of times over the decades – is declaring that his lily-livered opponents “think ‘manual labour’ is the prime minister of Mexico”. But, no, his focus, as became clear this week, is immigration status. Yesterday, after Menéndez March said something or other including the word “Aotearoa”, Peters rose incandescently to his feet and demanded to know: “Why is someone who applied to come to a country called New Zealand as an immigrant in 2006 allowed, in this house, to change the country’s name without the mandate, the approval, or referendum of the New Zealand people?”

Which brings us back to Andy. As Peters’ words rippled across the chamber, he must have shrivelled a little inside. Did Winston know his secret? He was there in parliament, after all, when the former Wellington mayor gave a heartfelt, eloquent maiden address at the end of 2023. But perhaps Dear Leader’s mind had drifted away to important matters of state or fishing when Foster talked about being born in in the south-east English county of Kent (“a beautiful area, if you haven’t visited it, full of history, castles, and stunning villages, and a whacking great motorway and railway to the continent) and later migrating with his family to New Zealand?

Maybe, just maybe, he was distracted when Foster went on to say, “Our task is to bring people together, and I can say it no better than this: ‘Mā te rongo, ka mōhio. Mā te mōhio, ka mārama. Mā te mārama, ka mātau. Mā te mātau, ka ora.’” Or when he said: “Through kōrero and whakarongo, I believe we can be the best multicultural nation in the world.”

With a bit of luck Peters had not been paying attention, either, to Foster’s acclamation in parliament last year of “the stories of Aotearoa New Zealand”. He can’t have been, for if he had, he without doubt would have declaimed: Why is someone who applied to come to a country called New Zealand as an immigrant allowed, in this house, to change the country’s name without the mandate, the approval, or referendum of the New Zealand people?

A likeable, thoughtful soul, Foster is vulnerable. We should gather around him. I don’t mean metaphorically, but actually 20 or 30 of us gather around him in a big group hug like human shields. Yes, he is a migrant to this country. Yes, he embraces te reo. Yes, he said Aotearoa in parliament. But he is one of us. He is Andy and he is a Kiwi. Or Apteryx mantelli, if you prefer.

Having said all that, when you think about it there is one thing that differentiates Foster from, say, Menéndez March. You’ll know what I’m getting at here, obviously. Foster, unlike Menéndez March, is sponsor of a bill in the members’ ballot that Peters is a big fan of, because – to quote the NZ First leader – it would impose fines on those found to be “perpetuating woke ideology in the banking sector being driven by unelected, globalist, climate radicals”. If Peters doesn’t have a go at Foster about the immigrant / reo business, it must be because of that.