Tara Ward travels to Koh Samui, Thailand to live her best life as a five star wannabe.
I’ve never been one for luxury travel. Despite religiously watching TV shows like Luxury Escapes: World’s Best Holidays and harbouring grand dreams of one day traveling to Europe and hiring an 18th century French chateau just for fun, the stark reality is that my holidays involve staying at quirky cribs/baches with holes in the floor and weekends in Invercargill to visit family. The Wonderland Castle at Queen’s Park is as fine as any castle in the land, in my opinion.
It’s a world away from the super fancy five star vacations we see in shows like Luxury Escapes. But after a cruel Dunedin summer, I was keen on some sun and temperatures ideally above 13C. With Thailand already an attractive option for travellers looking for a high end travel experience at an affordable price, it made me wonder: could I finally get a taste of the same fancy holiday experience I’d seen on TV, but without the eye-watering prices?
My trip began in Auckland. With Singapore Airlines flying me to Bangkok (they offer this flight 42 times a week, with a stellar Premium Economy Class service), I was ready to embrace the luxury travel experience for less. From Bangkok it took me just an hour to get to Koh Samui, a palm fringed island with coconut groves and posh spas. If you’re travelling via the major hub that is Singapore, you can get a direct flight to Koh Samui with sister airline, Scoot. While my heart remained in Wonderland Castle in Invercargill, my body was headed for that sparkling Thai island, and my soul was ready to be swallowed up by one luxury cruise, two golf buggies and several hairy pigs eating off a silver platter. Here’s what happened.
First impressions
It wasn’t the turquoise seas, the lush green forests, or the curved golden beaches that captivated my attention when I flew into Koh Samui for the first time. They were beautiful sights, of course, but the holiday vibe kicked in as soon as I stepped into the beautiful Samui airport. Made up of several unique open air buildings, the airport ground is filled with colourful tropical gardens – there’s even lush plants on top of the luggage carousels. As I peeled off layers of clothing to adjust to the glorious heat, my friendly taxi driver commented on how excited I looked. I wondered if she knew about the plants on the luggage carousels, too.
Then, things got even more exciting: I got to have a hoon in a golf buggy. I don’t even like golf, but when the hotel porter at The Royal Muang Samui Villas ushered me onto the nearest sports cart and we drove the few hundred metres to my room, I was suddenly the sport’s biggest cheerleader. When my pink K-Mart suitcase was delivered moments later by a second golf buggy, I was so impressed that I may as well have been wearing a pair of diamond socks and shouting “FORE!”. I’d only been at the resort for five minutes, and already I was being treated like the queen, the pope and Ronan Keating combined – and all for cheaper than my Auckland airport hotel the night before.
Royal Muang charges nowhere near the $2,000+ NZD a night some of the international luxury hotels on the island do, but this resort was still luxury to me. At 90sqm, my spacious first-floor villa was as big as my house in Aotearoa. The bed was enormous, the terrace stretched into a lush tropical garden, and the bathroom was filled with tiny complimentary toiletries.
Things got even more impressive on my second to last day when the air conditioning broke in my room and the hotel upgraded me to an even grander room – one that had its own private pool. I didn’t stop swimming until I became a withered, wrinkly five star prune.
Everything you need for a luxury holiday was here in one place: the bluest swimming pool I’ve seen, a great beach to swim and relax on, and an impressive breakfast buffet that featured a little cabinet filled with tiny croissants. The hotel was filled with guests, but it felt like I was the only one there. The kind and thoughtful hotel staff remembered my name and noted that I arrived at the buffet breakfast every morning one minute after it began. I did not tell them that by the end of my stay, I was 87% tiny croissant.
The scenic boat cruise
It was fitting that I made a pig of myself at breakfast every morning, because on my second day in Samui I took an island cruise to meet some of Thailand’s most famous swines. Koh Madsum has golden beaches and warm aquamarine waters, but it’s also known for the pigs that roam freely around the island. Tourists are encouraged to feed the hogs fruit off a shiny silver platter (but rather than a nod to five star luxury, this is to avoid human fingers being accidentally chomped).
The half-day cruise promised “the perfect blend of excitement and relaxation” as it visited different islands, but mostly, I chose it because it had a big inflatable slide. I’ve seen enough episodes of Below Deck to know that nothing represents luxury better than a giant blow up toy, and when we anchored off the coast of idyllic Koh Tan, this little piglet threw herself down that slide and flew into the ocean with joy. Five stars, indeed.
The illuminating island tour
As a busy parent who spends most of her day driving other people to places I don’t need to go, the thought of being driven around Koh Samui in air-conditioned style was an irresistible one. Collected from my hotel in a luxury van, I joined a small group of international travellers for a half-day tour that took us from the north to the south of the island in only a few hours. It may have been a hot and humid 33C outside – and pouring monsoon rains as well – but inside the tour van was some refreshing five star air.
Not only was this my chance to visit some of the island’s most scenic spots – the view at the Lamai Beach at the Laad Koh view point was incredible – but our energetic tour guide, Yai, bought the history and culture of Samui alive, sharing the stories and histories behind the island’s most significant places. From buddhist temples Wat Plai Laem (home to the spectacular 18 armed goddess Guayin) and Wat Phra Yai (also known as the Big Buddha), to the unique Grandfather and Grandmother rocks and the lush forest at Namuang Waterfall, the tour was the perfect introduction to the delights of Koh Samui.
The extravagant cocktail
While it might cost a gazillion dollars to stay at some of the international luxury resorts on Koh Samui, any old clown on a budget can just turn up for a drink (and maybe a sly dip in the pool). Slurping a cocktail at one was my chance to experience five star luxury without the five star price tag, and let me tell you: this place was incredible, even during a five star monsoon downpour.
The particular resort I’d more or less snuck into is set on the side of a hill overlooking the Gulf of Thailand, and it took several minutes to travel on another golf cart (“FORE!”) from the open air hotel lobby at the top to the bar at the bottom. At the beach below (past a box labeled “buggy phone” and some complimentary mosquito spray) I was ushered to a bar where a few guests sheltered from the rain – including an American woman who looked exactly like TV star Meghann Fahy.
“This will pass quickly, right?” Not Meghann Fahy joked as I sat down. Maybe she was talking about the weather, maybe she knew my game. I was a five star fraud, but dammit, I was here to have a drink.
I glugged down the complimentary water and enjoyed a five star tasting menu (two free tiny bowls of spicy nuts and banana crisps). When the rain eased, I took my extremely green cocktail (a “floral, herbaceous, playful” concoction with tequila, mint and cucumber) and sat beside the infinity pool, resting my fraudulent buttocks onto a monogrammed resort towel.
Behind me, a French family ordered chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers, while a brave guest turned down the offer of an umbrella and ventured into the rain with a towel chucked over their head. Between the nuggets and the towel hat, I wondered if we were all five star frauds. Before I climbed back on the buggy of dreams to depart, I dipped my big toe into the pool to see what five star chlorine feels like. The answer: it just felt wet.
The spiritual spa treatment
Last time I had a massage, Helen Clark was prime minister and the masseuse tweaked my ears so weirdly that I sat bolt upright in shock. Traumatic? I still hear the screams. However, in the interest of journalism, my ears and I booked into Cave Rai Ra Spa on day four for a relaxing spa treatment, opting for a “spiritual nourishing facial” that would pamper and restore my tiny pastry filled soul.
I expected some calming plinky plonky music and soothing warm compresses, but I did not expect this experience to feel so transformative. Cave Rai Ra Spa is located inside an artificial cave – Samui’s only island cave spa – that envelops you in a cocoon of calming waterfalls and serene relaxation. The treatment rooms are partly open to the sky, and as countless potions and balms were slathered on my leathery mug for 70 glorious minutes, I could hear the restful sounds of waves crashing on the beach nearby and rain passing overhead.
It was like being inside when you’re actually outside, and outside when you’re actually inside. I’d never expected a facial to inspire such existential contemplation, but when it started to feel like butterflies were dancing on my face, I wondered if I had reached peak luxury. All I needed was one more hoon around the hotel on that golf buggy, and Koh Samui had made all my affordable luxury dreams come true.
