You can send a pass-agg message in the group chat, or talk it out like real adults.

Like taxes and death, flatting with someone you’re having secret revenge fantasies about because they haven’t done the dishes again is one of life’s unfortunate promises. No one’s asking to live with Mother Teresa (some say she wasn’t that great of a person anyway), but everyone wants to live with someone they like at least 50% of the time.

It is inevitable that you and your flatmate(s), even if you came into this situation as close friends, will not see eye-to-eye on every domestic issue. Maybe one of you is an only child who grew up with a hired cleaner coming every week, while another lived with five siblings and a solo parent under one roof.

So without further ado, here’s how to be the one flatmate everyone remembers fondly. Just remember that what matters most when you live with someone else is being able to have perspective and empathy – and a cleaning rag on hand.

Oh no! I made a mess. What now?

You should probably use some common sense and clean that shit up. Really gross messes that your mother would yell at you for, like shavings in the bathroom sink and piss on the toilet seat, should always be taken care of immediately.

Messes that prevent your flatties from using your shared space, such as dirty dishes, also require prompt action. You may ask, why can’t I just leave my pan in the sink overnight and be accepted for the dirty animal that I am? And your answer would be that cleaning the pan sooner rather than later tends to make an easier job, and other people might want to use the pan, sink and kitchen too.

My flatmate won’t clean their mess. How soon do I resort to violence?

Before you start sending pass-agg messages in your flat group chat, try to talk it out in real life. Their reaction should give you insight into their care factor: a dismissive “yeah, all good, I’ll do it later” will give you an indication that those dishes will remain in the sink for a few more days, while an apologetic “I’m-sorry-I’ve-been-so-busy-I’ll-definitely-do-it-now” might make you feel more empathetic towards your flattie’s incompetence.

Cleaning is an activity that is sometimes made easier when it’s done collectively. You could suggest that while they’re washing the dishes, you can be on drying duty. Creating a chore chart can work for some, but others may feel infantilised by it – the most impactful method is the one that actually works, whether that’s nagging them incessantly or removing the stickers from their star chart.

Oops, I used my flatmate’s food instead of my own.

If you did this on purpose without asking first, skip your meal and go straight to jail. If it was an accident, some may have it in their heart to forgive you. You might have needed an extra egg in a pinch, but what if your flattie was planning a delicious omelette for dinner?

Once you realise your mistake, apologise and offer to replace whatever ingredient you have thieved, then do that within an acceptable time frame (a week or until next pay day, at most). However, the severity of your crime may also depend on what was taken: cheese, meat, vegetables and anything that may have bankrupted your flattie at the Woolies checkout is out of bounds. A splash of milk for a cuppa is fine, as long as you’ve left enough for your flattie to enjoy a very milky tea.

Oops, I also used my flattie’s makeup…

This kind of issue tends to occur in the bathroom, where supplies can get mixed up on the sink or in the shower. A good way to remember what you can and can’t use is to look at something and think, “did I purchase this myself, for my own personal use with my own finances?” If yes, use. If no, leave alone. Clothes belong in this category as well, because using someone else’s undies should make you liable for 200 days isolation in Rikers Island.

I want to bring over a one-night stand for related activities. What do?

Hopefully your flatmates are empathic to your bodily needs. To make this situation a bit more tolerable for them, try to give them a heads up and keep it as quiet and respectable as possible. And maybe get your lover out of the house before your flattie is forced to have an awkward conversation with them in the kitchen. Otherwise, why not bang at their place?

What about house parties? Can I get on the piss without pissing off my flatties?

It’s reasonable to be allowed to host at least one party for a special occasion (birthday, graduation, end of exams, distraction from being depressed, etc) in your tenancy. Let your flattie know you’re wanting to throw a shindig, how many people will be on the invite list, how hearty you expect the behaviour to get and a general wrap-up time.

Having these details sussed should give your flattie confidence that you’re not planning to go Project X on your shitty rental. Keeping things respectable enough, and being willing to fight through your hangover to clean up the evidence the next day, will help you sell the house-party pitch. But keep in mind: do you even have the space/resources to host this? Will it also be a headache for your elderly neighbours? Can you trust your friends to not fuck up your carpet? Are you willing to foot a cleaning bill for the landlord should shit hit the wall?

If you’re living with someone who is a party animal every weekend – or every day – and it’s starting to get to you, you need to talk it out. Some argue that resentment is worse for the liver than alcohol.

Things have become shit beyond repair. Can I kick my flattie out?

Assuming that at this point you have exhausted every possible method of making this living situation work, you could tell them how you feel and ask them to leave, but if they’re also a tenant, you’re going to have to stick it out or break the lease as a group. If they’re willing to go out on their own terms, try and find a replacement who suits your way of living instead of having to go through this all over again.

You tried, the flat failed. As well as making peace with the fact that this relationship has completely imploded and you may never be able to speak on friendly terms again, there are now bigger things to worry about: the fees to end your lease early.

I’m thinking of moving in with an only child who grew up with a hired cleaner coming every week …

Don’t.