How do I get over my dream of being ‘Girl Everybody Hates Because She Scored The Guy That Everybody Loves?’

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera, 

Here’s the situation: I just found out that the most popular guy in my uni degree – the guy that pretty much every person I know has a major crush on – is now dating a girl in the same class as us. I’ve never been in the category of crushing on this guy (I barely know him, although I can certainly acknowledge his gravitational pull), but the general hype around his attractiveness has left me feeling particularly shocked over this new classroom love affair.  I’m acquainted with the girl he’s dating, and she’s nothing short of lovely. They make a lot of sense together.  

Why then, am I suddenly experiencing this overwhelming sense of jealousy and loss? I suppose I’m just feeling the weight of not having one of those relationships myself, and bereavement over the pipe dream that I might one day be cast as “Girl Everybody Hates Because She Scored The Guy That Everybody Loves”. I’m aware this reaction reflects textbook internalised misogyny. So, what I’d like to find out from you is: 

1) how to stop feeling like an opportunity was taken away from you, even though it never belonged to you in the first place, and 

2) how to kill that heteronormative, misogynistic attitude when it comes to love and relationships?

Sincerely, 

I’ll Never Be That Girl

Dear INBTG,

You say you dream of being “The Girl Everybody Hates Because She Scored The Guy That Everybody Loves,” but wouldn’t it be better to be “The Girl Everybody Can’t Help But Like And Admire, Despite Her Magnetic Personality And Romantic Good Fortune?” Or is being envied part of the fantasy? 

Unless you’re secretly overcome with a festering hatred for women you’re too enlightened to commit to the page, I have to admit I’m just not seeing the misogyny here. It’s not like you’re prank-calling the women’s refuge. You’ve simply suffered a small but obscure romantic disappointment, which has left you feeling parasocially jealous of a couple you barely know, and awoken a powerful and mysterious yearning in you.

I don’t know what specifically about this situation is driving you crazy. Maybe you’re ready for a relationship and something about the fantasy of being “chosen” is particularly emotional for you. But being singled out and elevated from the quotidian is a normal fantasy in just about every genre, whether you’re daydreaming about being the world’s most powerful former assassin seeking vengeance for the brutal murder of your wife, or an orphan with magical powers. While your fantasy is very Sweet Valley High coded, I don’t think there’s anything inherently misogynistic about feeling envious of a popular girl who has bagged the class heartthrob. Give yourself a break! 

You ask: 

1) how to stop feeling like an opportunity was taken away from you, even though it never belonged to you in the first place, and 

2) how to kill that heteronormative, misogynistic attitude when it comes to love and relationships?

Let’s start with the second question because it has an easy answer. How to kill all traces of misogyny and heteronormativity in romantic relationships? You can’t! 🙂 At least not entirely. 

We are all a complicated mess of ancient biological imperatives and fraught cultural messaging, neither of which are easy to override with the power of enlightened thought. That’s not to say we should simply capitulate to our worst impulses, but aiming for perfection is only going to enrage and depress you. 

I would advise you to pick your battles. What, specifically, are the pernicious ideas you’re trying to unlearn? If you’re asking how to transcend feelings of romantic jealousy, I can only say “Godspeed.” While this is a beautiful and noble goal, you must remember we are all castles of haunted meat. 

You ask how to stop feeling like something has been taken away from you. But it seems to me that what you’re actually asking is how to liberate yourself from unpleasant and overwhelming feelings that have no logical basis in reality, but which continue to perplex and torment you regardless. 

Here is what I think. 

When dealing with intrusive and painful thoughts, sometimes all you can do is be patient. 

If it makes you feel any better, it’s truly The Planet of the Apes out there. We are all, to greater or lesser extents, at war with our various biological imperatives, and there are many aspects to our social psychology which are evolutionarily advantageous, but are neither cute nor emotionally sophisticated. Just being able to acknowledge this biological clusterfuck is a good start. Accepting a feeling doesn’t make the feeling disappear. But sometimes being able to shrug and say to yourself, “OK, lizard brain”, is as enlightened as it’s possible to get. 

I think your own intensity of feeling about the situation is interesting and deserves your curiosity, not condemnation. But there’s a balance to be struck between trying to understand the feeling and dwelling on a situation you can’t change. 

Again, I don’t really think this is an internalised misogyny problem. I think this is a “difficult feelings” problem. But this could still be a good opportunity to expand your feminist repertoire. Wanting to be the girl that everyone loves to hate is a cursed ambition. But if you’re in a romantic slump, it might cheer you up to read the work of romantic underdogs, such as Heartburn by Nora Ephron or I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith or even listening to Contrapoints on Envy.

I would also recommend to anyone dealing with intense and unpleasant feelings they don’t like or understand to have a crack at this lecture series by Robert Sapolsky. Having a deeper understanding of behavioural biology won’t solve any of your problems, but it might give you a little more insight and compassion towards your own secret heart. Personally I have found this lecture series more profoundly moving and psychologically helpful than any self-help bestseller. 

The bottom line is we don’t have to be perfect in thought and feeling to live well. We just have to find a way to tolerate our own hypocrites and insecurities with good humour and compassion until we eventually die of them. One day I hope that you will fall madly in love with someone you feel “chosen” by. But until then, hang in there!