How do I end this cycle of misery, once and for all?

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Dear Hera 

How do I break a lifelong pattern of forming close friendships with people that nobody else can stand? Ever since I was about 12, I have had a succession of very intense best-friendships, and every time the friend is someone that not a single other person on this earth can be bothered to put up with. Not evil people, not villains, just unpleasant people. People who are generally objectionable: rude, argumentative, needlessly aggressive etc. Some people might call them “bitches”. I think these kinds of people gravitate towards me, because generally speaking, I am quite happy to put up with their bullshit. I like pretty well everyone, and I guess the wildcard energy these friends bring to the party can be exciting. I realise I have a laidback demeanour, and maybe that gives people the impression that I’m fine with anything.

The trouble is, for whatever reason, I seem to get in deep with these friends and before I know it, they are my closest companions. The friendship will always last 3-5 years, until I, too, can take absolutely no more. Then I gradually distance myself until eventually I have the courage to call things off. And then we are both left reeling: them because they’ve lost a friend they desperately needed, and me because I’m destroyed by all the horrible behaviour I’ve put up with. Time goes by, and then the same thing happens again. I’m a grown woman with children of my own, but I can’t seem to grow out of this behaviour. 

What advice would you give to a friend who’s stuck in an unhealthy pattern like this? 

Unhappy-go-lucky

Dear Unhappy-go-lucky, 

What would I say to a friend who told me all their friends are notorious bitches? I would take it extremely personally of course. 

Thank you for this interesting and complicated letter which I lack the necessary psychological insight to address but will have a crack at regardless. 

I find it endlessly fascinating that we can be so aware of our own mendacious patterns, but the tunnel wall painted on the side of the canyon still tricks us every time. When it comes to seeking out a particular kind of person, the reasons are often extremely mysterious, even to the seeker. Are we unconsciously acting out the dynamics of our childhood in an attempt to solve them? Maybe that’s true for some people, but not everyone is trapped in their own private Groundhog Day. 

Sometimes I think the archetype of person we’re attracted to has to do with a particular quality that we lack. I’ve always enjoyed the company of people who are brave in the specific ways I am cowardly. Someone who would do a cartwheel on the church ridgepole, or shoplift a bag of supermarket limes or take an unlabeled pill they found in a bag on the street. 

The problem is, the things which attract us eventually draw attention to our own insecurities. If you make friends with someone for their social prowess, will you eventually feel left out when they go out dancing every night? If you make friends with bitches, will it make you feel cowardly? I’m not saying the solution is to only befriend people like yourself, because that’s obviously boring. I’m just thinking out loud. 

I do think that you’ve hit on something when you say you are drawn to that combative, wildcard energy. I also wonder if, in some ways, these people are “safe” options for you. If you befriend someone everyone else hates, perhaps you feel indispensable, or more in control. Your friendship is valued highly, because it probably means a lot to the kind of person who has alienated everyone else in their life. Maybe there’s something about rescuing someone from the catastrophe of their own personality which is a little bit thrilling to you. 

The truth is, it’s incredibly hard to outwit old patterns, and not always as simple as “have you tried making nicer friends?” The first part of changing a pattern is recognising a pattern. The second part is a lifetime of trial and error. 

You describe yourself as “laidback” but as a fellow “laidback” person I hate to admit that sometimes “laidback” is just a flattering synonym for “extremely conflict averse.” Are you truly laidback, or are you constitutionally incapable of calling people on their bullshit? You say that people get the impression you’re fine with anything, but have you ever done anything to challenge that assumption? Or do you simply accept the bad treatment and silently withdraw, until you eventually can’t take it any more and cut off contact altogether, without ever having attempted a single difficult conversation? 

I’m sorry if this is a brutal read. But as a fellow candidate for world’s biggest pushover, I can’t help but feel like I recognise what’s going on here because it’s exactly how I would act in a similar situation. 

You say you are “getting in too deep” with these friends. While I don’t doubt your friendships had powerful moments of mutual understanding, I also want to suggest that if you’re too afraid to talk about difficult or painful things in a relationship, on some level you’re missing out on real intimacy, because you’re not allowing yourself to be genuinely honest or vulnerable. A deep friendship isn’t just quietly tolerating someone else’s foibles until eventually you can’t stand them anymore. 

I’m not saying that friendship is about constantly calling one another out. Some friendships are simple and peaceful, and don’t require constant interrogation. But you don’t seem attracted to simple or peaceful people. 

I can’t tell you how to avoid this kind of person. But I do wonder what would happen if, next time, you made a conscious effort to decrease your own tolerance for bullshit. This is a frightening thing to do, especially if you hate arguing, and have inadvertently made friends with a professional bully. But even if your new friend blows up at you and cuts you off,  surely it’s more convenient to have those conversations sooner, rather than waiting until you’ve reached your final straw? 

I don’t know if the heart of your problem has to do with your inability to tolerate conflict or seeking out a particular kind of person. Maybe the two things are inextricably linked. This whole letter has been a long winded way of saying “I’m not sure”. But I would suggest that you practise becoming more assertive. If you give it a shot and your new friendship immediately crumbles, at worst you’ve saved yourself a couple of years of heartache. If your friend can accept the criticism, and reflect on it, maybe there’s hope for a deeper relationship. 

I don’t usually suggest counselling, because that shit’s expensive. But any time someone writes in with some version of “how do I stop this recurring pattern of behaviour I am fully conscious of and have been haunted by my entire life but can’t seem to stop repeating”, I think that makes you a good candidate for outside intevention. I don’t say this because your problem is particularly tragic. I say it because your problem seems entirely fixable, and maybe some concrete advice from a trained professional (not me) might give you the insight needed to break the cycle. 

I’m not saying you need to start looking for a different kind of friend. There are plenty of notorious bitches with hearts of gold, looking for a witty pushover to hit the tiles with. You just have to be strong enough to withstand each other’s personalities. 

Best of luck.