The capital city may be small but there are plenty of places to find love (or spend a painful two hours).

Wellington has had a hard time lately. By all accounts, we’re firmly in a recession, and that applies to romance too. Our dating pool has been ravaged by brain drain, and our favourite haunts have had to close their doors. It’s hard enough scoring a first date in the first place, between the small talk, scheduling and swiping on their flatmates. Now we have to work a whole lot harder to find a destination that makes up for our city’s various, incestuous flaws.

In the words of Johnny Lee, I have spent the past five years looking for love in all the wrong places. To save you the same problem, here are my 50 first dates in the capital, ranked not by person but by destination, environ, or venue. 

50. My house

Sounds hot, but not when your room is riddled with bed bugs. The original plan was actually to drive my date four hours to a festival, but we had to make a pit-stop while I called for pest control. There are other risks involved with bringing a stranger to your house, of course, but this one is guaranteed to kill both an infestation and a mood. 

49. A Zoom meeting

Covid dating has an air of nostalgia, but Zooming each other must be worse than being alone.

48. Their house

For obvious reasons, I can’t specify this location. But I will be very specific in my disdain for being watched by a dog while you make out on the couch.

47. St Mary’s of the Angels Catholic Church

Hozier called it in 2013, but actually going to church is not a great date if you’re not a believer.

46. This AirBnB

Soulless, overpriced, and inherently fleeting. You could say that sums up Wellington, but you’d never get a date in this city again. 

45. The zoo

Technically this never came to fruition, but an honourable mention for the time someone asked me to take a day off work for a surprise trip to the zoo.

44. 1852 Pub and Kitchen

According to their website, “1852 aims to please everyone”. If you’re not here for gambling or for watching the rugby, please yourself by going elsewhere.

43. Brooklyn Turbine

Windswept, but honestly not that interesting. 

42. Golding’s Free Dive

“Like drinking inside a pinball machine”. No-one knows who said it, but they said it all, I say.

41. Hanging Ditch

Next to the Dive but comparatively peaceful. Somewhat spooked by the ominous name.

40. Shed 22

This is the only bar I’ve found selling Scotland’s national lager. Good or shite? I’ll let you decide.

39. Beach Babylon

Less date, more family reunion. Join the throng of parents treating students to a bottomless brunch.

38. Somtum Thai

This not-so-hidden gem is another tasty option, but heed their warnings on the spice.

37. The Arborist

Rooftop bars are rarely required in this city, but The Arborist is there for all your Melbourne dreams.

36. Midnight Espresso

Late night dating doesn’t have to mean the nightclub, but it also doesn’t have to mean a giant piece of cake.

35. Preservatorium

The only thing being preserved in this café is your small talk – and the “strangely delicious” cabinet food.

34. The Botanist

One for people who like the idea of Lyall Bay, but not the seaside reality. Even the name suggests it would rather be elsewhere. 

33. Raglan Roast (Abel Smith Street)

Low stakes, and even lower seating. Great place for napping, if that’s your vision of love.

32. Bebemos

Always full of doctors. Someone diagnose the dearth of chemistry.

31. Garage Project

Intimate, and only marginally intimidating if you’re not a brewer or a bro.

30. Library Bar

If you like dressing up, this is the place to bring your beret. We both agreed our hats were better value than the drinks.

29. The tip shop

Being frugal can be fun, but it surely isn’t flirty. It’s hard to be attractive while you raid a bargain bin.

28. Freyberg sauna

Turn up the heat with a semi-clad sauna. On reflection, this is probably unfair for other customers, or for anyone with a preference for privacy.

27. Sprig and Fern (Thorndon)

Of all the Sprigs, this one’s my preference. It’s a stone’s throw from the city’s Botanic Gardens, lest you want actual ferns in which to stretch your legs.

26. Hillside Restaurant

Playful kai for curious people, but a bold choice in this economic climate. Do not offer to shout the bill.

25. Peoples Coffee (Newtown)

Peoples is my local, but convenience comes at a very real cost. Be prepared to bump into an unrequited lover, a friend, a colleague, or another, upcoming date. 

24. Paekākāriki

A day trip can be great if you’re daring. Finding love can be a marathon; your first date doesn’t have to be.

23. Beach Kiosk

Escape to the south coast for expansive views and impeccable brunches. You might broaden your horizons in more ways than one.

22. Mount Victoria

This is my favourite mountain for when tramping is a bit much.

21. Next Door

On a busy day, this place is impenetrable. That is still better than the time I had to inflict my first date on an otherwise empty bar. 

20. Parrotdog

There will be a steady stream of dogs, dads and DJs. I hate pets, and I can’t fathom the life of a parent, so I guess that leaves me hanging out for beers and decent beats.

19. Maranui

Rammed, albeit for good reason. Send an advance party or start your date in a hungry queue.

18. Crumpet

Come for the cocktails, stay for the incongruous, eponymous treats. 

17. Rogue and Vagabond

There could be music, there could be sunshine, and there will always be curly fries. 

16. The gym

Yes, I have been on a date to the gym with a stranger. And yes, you could say I deserve to be single, but remember how we all thought Challengers was sexy? Lifting weights is just like tennis for those of us who can’t keep our eyes on the ball. Ideally find a gym that only one – or neither of you – go to, so no-one has to change their membership if/when it doesn’t ‘work out’.

15. Puffin

Great wine, great expectations: there’s nothing subtle about your meeting, nor the couples who occupy an entire velvet booth.

14. Zealandia

This stunning sanctuary offers everything from a casual stroll to an all-terrain adventure. I walked 15km in my new Dr Martens, by the end of which I had broken both the leather and the ice.

13. Walking the ‘waterfront’

Poorly defined, but with endless potential. One date told me it felt like commuting, but I think that says more about my company than the views.

12. City Art Gallery

Much like my love life, this is closed for the foreseeable future. Far better curated than my dates will ever be.

11. Te Papa

Go with a map and a clear, succinct agenda. You might find love, or your favourite taxidermy.

10. Newtown Festival

When you’ve just arrived in the city, the annual Newtown Festival is like speed-dating on steroids. Meet your date’s entire friendship circle and become embroiled in a love triangle, or try polyamory. 

9. Cuba Dupa 

Like Newtown, but with costumes? I welcome the chance to gauge a person’s style, and social stamina, without the investment of going to Splore. 

8. Kisa

We declared our respective budgets before settling on the lunch menu. Somehow Kisa catered for both a FODMAP diet and a lower than average charity income. 

7. Havana

Covers all your budget bases, from a quiet pint to a big night out.

6. Meow

If music be the food of love, splash out on a gig ticket. Of course, this limits the scope for conversation. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need.

5. The Welsh Dragon

This cosy corner prides itself on being a former public toilet: an auspicious start for any burgeoning romance.

4. Leroy’s

I have a soft spot for this public servant haven, having worked above it for the past two years. There’s Pals on tap, and plenty of political rumour: prime for the city’s next literary parody. 

3. LBQ

On a date or just mates? This is the perfect place for vague connections, and their diplomatic staff won’t bat an eyelid when you’re back the following week. 

2. Salty Pidgin

Highly commended when the fire’s on in winter, and a personal favourite for the perennial window perch.

1. TSB Arena 

This is as divisive as the sports played in the stadium, but don’t knock it till you’ve spent an evening with the NZNBL’s Wellington Saints. Just when you’re losing hope of finding your forever person, these guys will teach you what it really means to lose, and lose more valiantly. I accept this isn’t glamorous, or even faintly trendy. But there’s plenty of scope for action – on court, if not in your pest-infested room.