Breaking up with someone well is an art. Here’s how the professionals get it done, writes Hera Lindsay Bird for the Spinoff guide to life.
The year was 2014. I was sitting in The Indian Spice Bar in Dunedin’s North East Valley, waiting on an Aloo Gobi. Unbeknownst to me and everyone else in the packed restaurant, we were all about to bear witness to one of the most upsetting moments of someone’s young life.
As I waited for my order, a young couple sat down at the lone unoccupied table in the centre of the room. The restaurant was somewhere between the size of a small pharmacy and a large public toilet. In a less upsetting scenario, it might be reasonably described as “cosy.” This was long before the heady days of Uber Eats, so there was also a large and unwieldy queue of people waiting to collect their takeaways. I can no longer remember how many tables the restaurant boasted, but I can confidently say they were much too close together for what happened next.
The young couple consulted the menu and presumably ordered. I wasn’t paying any attention until the woman started bawling her eyes out. The reason soon became obvious. Her boyfriend had inexplicably chosen this precise location to break up with her. The poor girl was blindsided by the news and was soon sobbing uncontrollably into her complimentary napkins.
As heads began to turn, it became clear to the dumper he had made a hideous mistake. He suggested they leave, and the couple joined the queue to the Eftpos terminal, their curries untouched. The cashier asked them how they wanted to pay. “Can we split it?” said the dumper, resolutely not looking at his now ex-girlfriend.
The couple left the restaurant together. I picked at my cauliflower, feeling powerfully disturbed by the scene I had just witnessed. But the worst was yet to come. Five minutes after the couple left, the guy sheepishly entered the restaurant and returned to the scene of the crime – the table where both of their untouched meals still waited. He asked the wait staff for some takeaway containers and took both his and his ex-girlfriend’s dinner away in a doggy bag.
Breaking up with someone well is an art and this man was clearly an amateur. Here is how an expert would have handled the situation
Who
You only have to dump people you’re actually dating. If things are still casual, there’s no need to break out the tissue box – it’s humiliating for both the dumper and dumpee. It’s more respectful to send a polite text than to summon someone to an unnecessary performance review. Obviously, some people disagree on what constitutes a relationship, but use your own best judgement.
Where
Not in public, and definitely not in a crowded Indian restaurant. And if you do, at least have the courtesy to foot the bill. For serious breakups, it’s best to meet up in person and in private. Some people suggest breaking up in public so your ex doesn’t make a scene, but breaking up with someone you’re frightened of is a special case (see: “What if” below).
Breaking up with someone at their own house is usually the most conscientious way to go because if they’re devastated by the news, they don’t have to suffer the indignity of trying not to bawl their eyes out on the bus home. It also gives you, the breaker-upper, the opportunity to exit the situation on your own terms. While this might sound callous, the last thing you want is for a breakup to turn into a 10-hour forensic dissection of your relationship, before you have to politely but firmly ask your ex to peel themselves off your bathroom floor because you have work the next morning.
If you live together, the situation is exponentially more complicated. It’s still best to break up at your shared home, but you, the dumper, should have ideally sorted out some kind of short-term accommodation or have a nearby couch you can crash on, while you set about the miserable business of untangling your lives.
If you’re in a long-distance relationship, or for whatever reason can’t organise a face-to-face meeting, a phone call is an acceptable alternative. Unless you’ve been together for long enough that you feel you owe them an in-person explanation, I would argue that buying a plane ticket with the specific intention of ending a relationship can sometimes be crueller than organising a phone or video call, because there’s nothing more brutal than picking someone up at the airport for a romantic weekend, only to find your relationship is being unexpectedly terminated.
Never text.
When
Sooner rather than later. Nobody wants to be dumped on Valentine’s Day, or the night before their new job begins. But it’s much kinder to break up with someone the day before their birthday than it is to break up with them the day after their birthday because it’s going to be immediately apparent to the dumpee you were just running out the clock. Avoid big dates if possible, but remember there’s no convenient time to have a broken heart, and it’s ultimately crueller to string someone along.
Why
When it comes to giving an explanation, don’t overdo it. You’re not Hercule Poirot. I think it’s best to strike a balance between giving context for your actions and refraining from relitigating old issues.
Ideally, you want to leave someone with a little closure. They should understand the broad strokes of why you are ending the relationship. But a breakup isn’t an argument. You don’t have to win in order to leave. You just need to leave.
I think there’s something to be said for a little judicious reticence. A breakup is not an excuse to enumerate every problem with your former relationship, nor do you owe it to your ex to reveal all your private motivations. If you’re breaking up because you’ve discovered your partner is cheating on you, go ham. But if you’re breaking up because you’re getting bored and want to try your luck with the cute girl at your badminton club, please keep that shit to yourself.
You don’t have to give an ironclad reason. “I’m just not feeling it anymore,” is perfectly serviceable, so don’t feel you have to offer anything deeper if there’s nothing deeper to offer.
Where possible, try and be generous. It’s not you, it’s me, while widely derided, is a classic for a reason.
If your now-ex continues to demand an explanation you feel you’ve already given, it’s OK to Just Walk Out.
How
Don’t be wishy-washy. My first few breakups were excruciating, because I kept changing my mind halfway through. Know what you want and stick to the script. It’s much less painful for everyone.
Don’t break up with anyone while either of you are drunk or otherwise fucked up. It’s messy and potentially dangerous. Even if you have a drunken argument that makes you want to call time, wait until you’re sober to have the final conversation.
If you have some of their stuff at your house, it’s polite to return it during the breakup, so your ex doesn’t have to see you again if they don’t want to. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t manage it, but it’s a nice gesture.
Don’t commit to any promises you’re not willing to entertain, like “being friends” or downgrading a breakup to a trial separation. You’re only inventing trouble for the future.
This might be controversial, but there’s something to be said for the much-derided “we need to talk” message. It allows the recipient to emotionally prepare for a difficult conversation, and switch their regular mascara to the waterproof variety.
What if:
I’m scared of my ex losing the plot, and making a scene?
If you have ANY concern for your safety, it’s essential to remember that NONE OF THESE RULES APPLY. If your partner is abusive, has a history of violence or you have even the slightest concern about your well-being, you need to take the situation extremely seriously and protect yourself, first and foremost. This might look like preemptively seeking support from friends and family or calling a domestic violence helpline for advice. I cannot stress enough that good manners don’t matter if there’s any threat of danger, and it’s vital you take the necessary steps to seek help. There are some relevant phone numbers and websites at the bottom of this article.
What if my partner did something really shitty? Do I owe them the courtesy of an explanation, or can I simply print out all their explicit text messages to Cindy, leave them in the mailbox and ghost?
It all depends on the severity of the betrayal. If it’s unsubstantiated rumours, you should allow your partner the courtesy of an explanation. It could all be a huge misunderstanding. If there’s no doubt, and the proof is utterly damning, be my guest. Laminate those text messages. Send that singing telegram. Skip town, for all I care.
What if an argument leads to a spontaneous breakup?
If it happens, it happens. No harm, no foul.
How do I break up with someone and still have them like me?
You can’t, and it shouldn’t be your main objective. Lots of people stay close friends with their exes, but don’t expect your ex to offer you that kind of grace before they’ve had time to process the news. Trying to break up with someone without hurting them or looking bad is a selfish and impossible task. You have to be willing to be the bad guy.
That doesn’t mean you can’t be friends in the future. But trying to force a friendship too soon rarely works, and can make things harder in the long run. This is one of those mistakes everyone has to learn for themselves.
In a similar vein, you can’t break up with someone and volunteer yourself as a shoulder to cry on. That’s just an emotionally torturous way of prolonging both of your miseries.
Lastly:
Breaking up with someone always sucks, even if you’re the one who called time. It’s natural to be upset and second-guess yourself, but try and stick to your guns. Take a day off work. Buy a ticket to Alien Romulus. Sit in the back row, and have a good cry. And know that it will all eventually blow over.
Helplines for anyone in a violent or abusive relationship
If you or someone is in immediate danger call 111. If it’s unsafe for you to speak, push 55.
Are You OK: 24/7 support for unsafe relationships 0800 456 450 & https://www.areyouok.org.nz/
Women’s Refuge: 24/7 crisis line 0800 733 843
Shine National Helpline: 24/7 helpline and live webchat 0508 744 633
Shakti: 24/7 multilingual crisis line for migrant women 0800 742 584
Gandhi Nivas: supporting men to be free from violence 0800 426 344
In Your Hands: 24/7 helpline and live chat for those concerned about their behaviour 0800 456 450
OutLine: 6pm-9pm daily support line and online chat service for LGBTQIA+ people 0800 688 5463
National network of family violence services: (03) 391 0048
Bright Sky App: provides safe, practical support and information for people worried about the safety of themselves, or someone they care about.