Summer’s coming. It’s time to brush the dried grass out of your tent, and more importantly, brush up on your campsite manners.

Ah, the joys of sleeping in a nylon dome. No ventilation, no insulation and no soundproofing. That little rock that wiggles its way through your long sponge masquerading as a mattress to lodge itself in your spinal column. Society’s mod cons left behind for another day, along with all of this era’s bullshit.

But the feelings of inner peace we carefully cultivate by putting ourselves through all this are all too easily ruined. Not by that little rock, nor the fast rising temperature early in the mornings, but by bad neighbours. Bad neighbours are bad at home, but much worse on holiday, where (a) you’re trying to have a nice time, and (b) there’s not many distractions. 

Here’s a quick etiquette guide to avoid being hated by the nylon community.

Go as far away as possible

Yes, from the “real” world, and also from other campsite users. People are probably not going camping to make new friends, that’s what getting fried at a festival or trying a new hobby at the community centre is for. Don’t park up right next to another tent site, unless there’s truly nowhere else to go.

Still be friendly, though!

If you’re walking past, say hi. If it’s a little too far away, a wave is cute.

Can I pump my jam?

Controversial. Some campers want complete silence at all times but maybe they should have stayed home in a padded room. This guide, now the official authority on camping considerately, is making the call that music is OK until 10pm. However, it shouldn’t be too loud – you should be able to chat to your friends over the top of it, and it shouldn’t be too abrasive either. No screaming please and no beats faster than 160 BPM. Also take a look around you: sleeping baby? Maybe not. Group of teenagers? Totally fine.

How about a beer or two?

Are you a teen that needs to get trashed in public and be a complete menace? There are times when that spirit reawakens in every adult, but I would suggest not doing it in the campground where people are sleeping or making picturesque memories with their family. Head down to the beach, or across the paddock, or somewhere else out of sight and earshot if you’re going to drink drink.

If your vibe is to sit back, have a beer and a sausage in a camp chair next to the barbie and watch the world go by, all good, wouldn’t be camping without a few dad personalities around. If you become a loud, brash talker, take yourself off to bed at (or before) 10pm because my news to you is that fellow campers aren’t giggling at your jokes.

Please note: many DoC campgrounds do not allow alcohol to be drunk or displayed. Be sure to check any site-specific rules.

Don’t leave the water running

There’s not necessarily a shortage of water (though sometimes there is) but what there is is lots of ground, which turns into mushy mud. And then that mud gets everywhere, including possibly pillows. Washing dishes should not happen under an open faucet but in a sink, bucket or tub. These should be emptied way away from campsites, and downhill.

Dogaroos

Don’t bring your dog if it’s against the rules. Clearly.

Even if dogs are permitted, be mindful of your canine’s impact on other camp users. I know your dog would never hurt a fly, except I actually don’t because I’ve never met your dog before and it looks kind of scary. Also, I never met a dog who wouldn’t do almost anything for my BBQ and its begging puppy eyes are getting annoying. Sorry, but dogs should be kept on leash. Oh, and while we’re here, they should never be left unattended.

Don’t try to maximise your real estate

If you’re at a commercial campsite where spots are divided up by lines, having guide ropes that go over the line into your neighbour’s area is not OK. I should not have to say this, but personal experience has lowered my view of humanity.

Rubbish 

Don’t leave packing up your rubbish right to the end, because wind exists and so do rats, dogs and possums. 

The kitchen and other communal indoor areas

Label your food! Campsites often specify how to do this, but your name and the date you’re leaving is standard practice. Make sure you remove your food from the fridge before you leave.

Don’t monopolise the TV in the common room – maybe don’t watch TV at all, given you’re camping? – and tidy up any and all messes, whether they’re kitchen spills or board game bits.

Birds

Birds live in nature and we respect that. Please do not terrorise birds. Do not pick up helpless ducklings, no matter how cute they are. If they flock on your campsite because you’ve left a few crumbs around, fine, let them flit around you, maybe they will even walk over your leg by accident if you stay still, but do not impinge on their movement.

Peeing

The toilets are gross and scary, and pee is basically water, so I do have some sympathy for those who do not frequent the toilets on camping trips. However, there are a few places where peeing is a no-no. This includes and is not limited to: showers, anywhere visible, anywhere someone might stand.

Pooing

Obviously you will poo in the loo. Further advice here. 

Showering

If the campsite is flash enough to have showers, consider it a short, sharp luxury. Focus on your pits, bits and sandy creases, then let your fellow campers shower. Wear jandals or some other water-resistant footwear to avoid picking up and/or spreading gross feet infections. Clean up after yourself.

Fun activities

The campground should be a playground. Get the kids running around, whip out the frisbee and even the rugby ball. Just make sure that whatever you’re throwing doesn’t knock someone out or break a windshield.

Night time

Well, it’s past 10pm, so the UE Boom is off and everyone is tucked into their sleeping bags (or down at the beach being menaces). Disaster strikes in the form of your bladder crying out for help. Many an unthinking camper has at this point whipped out a Dolphin torch, and swooped it across the whole campground, lighting up everyone’s tents.

Please don’t do this. First, I would suggest that night time isn’t actually that dark, and if you give your eyes a minute, you’ll be able to see just fine and safely make your way to the bathroom without using any of your batteries. If the moon and stars are being really unhelpful, fine, whip out a (smaller) torch or perhaps even just your phone screen on full brightness, and point it downwards, not into everyone’s nylon sleeping palaces. 

Arriving unfashionably late

Is there anything more terrifying than having the comforting squeaks of your sleeping bag suddenly broken by a car’s engine? Sometimes headlights come to herald the fact that a car is about to break through your tent poles and squash you. It misses, but the driver then wake everyone up by fighting with their partner over which way the fly goes on the tent.

The moral of the story is, it’s better not to arrive when everyone is sleeping. If you do, camp up near the entrance so you’re not disrupting everyone. Obviously you will be being as quiet as possible. You can move to a better spot tomorrow morning. This also applies to campers and vans.

If you want everyone to love you

The way to their hearts is sharing food. Extra fish, a sausie or even a hot chocolate. This is an excellent way to make friends; much better than parking up right next to someone. You can also share handy camping items like mattress pumps, mallets or a can opener.

Consider becoming the unknown hero who leaves a roll of luxury three-ply toilet paper in the cubicle.