How do I deal with the fact my own flesh and blood would rather listen to Mumford & Sons than Talking Heads?

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Kia ora!

As a recovering music snob who once preferred the bands’ older stuff, hated “mainstream music” and actively avoided certain artists because of their fan base, I’m becoming increasingly dejected at my child’s music preferences and want advice on how to steer them in a less soul and mind destroying direction.

These days I’m generally more open to enjoyment of all types of music and thought I’d put my music snobbery behind me, but my child’s recent music choices have my unsightly snob brain rearing its obscure band T-shirt wearing, Pitchfork reading, vinyl-only head again.

As a millennial growing up in a small town I had significantly limited access to music outside of the Edge top 10, and it wasn’t until my mid-teens that skate videos, Kazaa and the frequent trips to all ages gigs in Auckland opened up my music taste. I had hoped to give my kid an early start to good music.

I could handle the Wiggles, learnt to love Baby Shark and other toddler smash hits, but now my child is growing up and being badly influenced by their other parent and others. Instead of them enjoying the playful songs of what I had successfully influenced into their life from bands like The Talking Heads, Kurt Vile or The Cure, they’re instead succumbing to agonising brain numbing music like Coldplay, Mumford & Sons and other catchy but ultimately irritating musicians.

I coparent my child, and love that they’re enjoying music and want to retain their enjoyment of music and dance – but I also want to legitimately enjoy music with them instead of faking my smile through the sixth repeat of another Coldplay song.

Am I destined for a future of faking my joy of my kid’s music choices, or do I need to risk my coparenting relationship and ask their other parent to stop introducing bad music to their life? Or is it a case of burying my inner music snob for good and succumbing to a life of music mediocrity with my kid.  

Kindest regards and thanks in advance,

Hopeful parent

Dear Hopeful,

Thank you for this Nick Hornby ass problem. “How do I make my kids like the same stuff as me?” is a question for the ages. 

The mature and enlightened answer to your question is that children are their own people, and any serious attempts to micromanage their interests is not only futile but is highly liable to backfire spectacularly. Taste is extremely subjective. One person’s Bach is another person’s Korn (although the truly enlightened can find something to love in both). Having got that out of the way, we can get down to the serious business of how to shape your child’s musical taste without appearing to do so. 

Firstly, I can only assume you are joking when you suggest having a quiet word with your coparent about their awful taste in music. Part of me kind of wants you to do this, because imagining the expression on their face when you bring this to them as a serious parenting dilemma is extremely funny. Sadly, I have to counsel that this is a terrible idea which will only get you deservedly ridiculed in various group chats. 

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but musically speaking, you have a lot to thank your coparent for. Yes, it may be troubling to feel as if you’re inadvertently raising a Mumford & Sons fan. But loving things is the first and most important qualification for developing an eclectic and well-rounded taste. If your kid loves music now, you are already winning the battle. Don’t let your disdain for poor Chris Martin convince you otherwise. Someone who passionately loves the Baby-Sitters Club novels as a child is a million times more likely to read George Eliot as an adult than someone who doesn’t read at all. Perhaps the same thing can be said for the Baby Shark to Talking Heads pipeline. 

While there are definitely some precocious children out there who love Leonard Cohen as much as the Wiggles, there’s a reason why kids gravitate to catchy, repetitive music, and it’s not because they’re morons. The Wiggles go hard. Baby Shark is a banger for a reason. 

I don’t have kids, so I can’t answer you as a parent. But I can answer from the perspective of a daughter. I love a lot of the same bands as my dad. Here’s how he won me over: 

First off, don’t be in the conversion business. Your job isn’t to get your kid to stop loving what they already love, otherwise, they’re sure to listen to a lifetime of Ed Sheeran just to get back at you. However, you can try and expand their taste, and introduce them to new things. Here’s what I would do:

• Play music all the time. Play it in the car. Play it when you’re making breakfast. Make it a shared background to your lives. Make it as normal as breathing. 
• Play a wide variety of stuff. Pop hits. Heavy metal. Rap. Classical. Country. If you want them to expand their horizons, you should also be open to expanding yours. Model curiosity and eclecticism. Don’t come at this problem with a missionary mindset. Set out to discover new things together. 
• Take them to see live music! There are lots of great community concerts for under 18s. 
• Make mix tapes or playlists, based on things they actually like. If you want them to love Scott Walker and their favourite musician is Taylor Swift, maybe don’t start them off with The Drift. When I was in my alternative country phase, my dad made me mixtapes of The Handsome Family and Hank Williams. When I liked pop punk, I got The Rezillos and The Raincoats. 
• I don’t know what the contemporary equivalent of this is, but we used to go to the library and rent a ton of CDs every weekend. There’s nothing better than the feeling of discovering something new for yourself. Give them the tools to expand their taste, and see where it leads.
• Be patient. Until your kid gets older, they’re going to like some horrible stuff and that’s fine. The difference between 9 and 15 is astronomical. Remember, you are playing the long game.
• Kids will look back fondly on music that is associated with good memories. Interpret this however you like. Have a dance party, where you take turns picking club bangers. Get a cheap karaoke mic and sing your hearts out. 
• Last, and most importantly, take an interest in their taste, and let them share their favourite music with you. The more receptive they feel you are to their interests, the more open they will be to listening to music you love because they’ll feel respected and understood. Yes, my dad played us The Dead Kennedys and The Specials, but he also taped the Spice Girls concert off the television for me. He bought me All Saints CDs and said complimentary things about them. He played Bic Runga on long car trips. As a result, I never felt embarrassed about what I listened to. Focus on making music a shared obsession, and something you can enjoy together. That relationship will long outlast their childhood top 10. 

This doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to listening to the same Coldplay song on repeat, or that you’re obligated to lie about what you like. Getting to a place where you can be honest about your own taste is good, especially as your kid becomes a teenager. But you have to build that trust first. If your kid feels judged for the music they like, they’re never going to share their newest musical obsession with you, so err on the side of being curious and complimentary until you’ve built up the necessary goodwill. 

The goal here is not to shape your child’s taste in music by slowly replacing their interests with your own. The goal is to foster their love of music and build the kind of relationship where they’re excited to share their discoveries with you. I think if you can do that, they’ll eventually find their own way to David Byrne. And who knows. Maybe you’ll discover Coldplay isn’t all that bad. 

Good luck!