As the latest scrap over an extremist-on-tour emerges, we map out the usual shape of these things.
The fringe conspiracy theorist Candace Owens is reportedly seeking to visit Aotearoa, and if the early salvos are leaving you woozy with deja vu, that is because you really have seen it all before.
There is a consistent pattern to the way these sort of stories tend to unfold. Below, we map out the typical shape of such a controversy via a fictitous example which we’ll call “TruFact”. You can also paste the chapters below onto a square of paper and play free-speech-firestorm bingo, if that’s what you’re into. Let’s begin.
1) TruFact, high-energy, camera-ready individuals with 2.6 million YouTube followers, a knack for demagoguery, no obvious signs of a moral compass and the charm of a fingernail coursing down a blackboard, make headlines in New Zealand after being denied/allowed entry to Australia for the latest leg of the “TruFact Tour” and issuing a “Dear freedom-loving Kiwis” post.
2) TruFact appear on a fringe New Zealand radio station where they lambast the mainstream media and political establishment for casting them as either Holocaust deniers and/or transphobes and/or gratuitous misogynists and/or white supremacists, when all they’ve done is say things that are plainly and abhorrently Holocaust denying and/or transphobic and/or gratuitously misogynistic and/or white supremacist. Asked whether they will be allowed to visit New Zealand, they say just try to stop them.
3) New Zealand free speech advocates issue a press release denouncing a “supine” Immigration NZ for failing to allow TruFact into the country. An impressive collection of French and Latin phrases are deployed to stress that the only way to destroy a bad idea is with more ideas.
4) TruFact apply for visas to visit New Zealand.
5) The volunteer events coordinator for a community hall in Bayswater apologises for having accepted a booking for a “Free-vening with TruFact”, saying they did not realise this was a far-right event until they received several hundred emails to an inbox checked weekly.
6) TruFact issue a YouTube post denouncing the volunteer events coordinator for a community hall in Bayswater as the Kiwi Woke Gestapo.
7) The prime minister says he gets it but it would not be proper to interfere in an operational matter. The leader of the opposition says New Zealanders must stand up against those who would sow division and freedom of expression is a cornerstone of our democracy and sorry the line seems to be breaking up there.
8) Immigration NZ announces they will issue temporary visas to TruFact.
9) Upon arrival at Auckland International Airport, TruFact (a) appear with their mouths taped and scrawled with the words CENSORED, (b) interrogate indifferent security guards with mobile phones mounted on telescopic selfie sticks, and/or (c) perform an “unwoke haka”.
10) A senior minister insists that they did not in fact like the TruFact post that sported a picture of a prominent New Zealand broadcaster alongside the words, “Who’s the Nazi now?” and the only plausible explanation was they had been hacked.
11) Many dozens of headlines appear across the news media detailing the manner in which one participant in the debate has slammed the other. One broadcaster livestreams a “ready to rumble big speech debate”. They will later say they regret not having done any preparation. The TruFact social media accounts gain several thousand followers.
12) A prominent lawyer announces that TruFact will be launching a libel suit against the volunteer events coordinator for a community hall in Bayswater for calling them far right.
13) A self-described influencer who once appeared on X Factor NZ is inadvertently drawn in to the controversy after commenting “welcome to NZ” on a TruFact Instagram reel. After being roundly criticised by social media users they do their own research and within weeks have become a full-blown QAnon nutcase.
14) A provincial mayor announces that TruFact will appear in the town hall. VIP meet-and-greet packages are available for $495 + GST and there will be opportunities to purchase TruFactCoin, a groundbreaking new cryptocurrency.
15) The TruFact imbroglio fills nine straight days of discussion on RNZ’s The Panel. There is so much discussion they have to put The Panel on all through the night and all through the weekend.
16) An anguished 6,500-word thinkpiece is published in an online news and culture publication. It is shared more times than it is read.
17) An edgy cartoonist fired several years ago from a daily newspaper for being really fucking racist posts on their blog a cartoon featuring TruFact with the words TOTALITARIAN STATE and, inexplicably, several dozen Puerto Ricans.
18) Three minor parties from every edge of the political spectrum launch “Enough is Enough” petitions taking divergent but furious positions on the controversy peppered with words such as “Orwellian”, “Wokeism” and “Contemptible grifters”. Signatories are encouraged to tick a box for future contact on campaigning and fundraising activity.
19) Somewhere a postgraduate student begins a PhD thesis titled Transgressive Uttering: TruFact and the Frail Semiotics of Speech.
20) The TruFact event is staged at a provincial town hall, to a live paying audience of 22 people.
21) TruFact, high-energy, camera-ready individuals with 2.6 million YouTube followers, a knack for demagoguery, no obvious signs of a moral compass and the charm of a fingernail coursing down a blackboard, make headlines in Scotland after being denied/allowed entry to New Zealand for the latest leg of the “TruFact Tour” and issuing a “Dear freedom-loving Scots” post.