Alex Casey unearths Simon Court’s full sales pitch for how menstrual cups could end poverty.

On Friday last week, Act MP Simon Court was accused of “mansplaining” during a parliamentary committee hearing about benefit sanctions. After submitter Rachel Dibble shared her concerns about period poverty and the impact that sanctions could have on the “fundamental need” for young women to purchase menstrual products, Court had a question, nay, an idea, nay, a vision for how he could help.

“I’m not sure if you’re aware, or if people that you engage with are aware, of the menstrual cup, which is a reusable product available for about $15 from Chemist Warehouse,” he began. “Do you think if people knew more about how to access products like that, that this concern, this anxiety you have, might be somewhat mitigated?” 

It’s easy to roll your eyes at the ignorance. Obviously it ignores the many cultural, logistical and personal reasons why menstrual cups don’t work for everyone, not to mention the fact that one $15 purchase won’t lift anyone out of poverty, or that solving period inequity shouldn’t fall on those having the roughest go of it.

But watch the footage even closer and you’ll see a glimmer of something else in Court’s eyes. Could it be that Simon Court is actually just a boy, sitting in front of a Zoom camera, trying to get a brand deal with his beloved Chemist Warehouse? And if so, shouldn’t we hear out his full sales pitch, as obtained exclusively by The Spinoff? 

Hi, I’m Simon Court: Act MP, former civil engineer and current menstruation ambassador. 

I’m not sure if you’re aware, or if people that you engage with are aware, but there’s an amazing new product that you can buy here, at Chemist Warehouse, for only $15. It’s called a menstrual cup – a cup for your menstruation – and I’m here to tell you more about how it can help empower individuals to take control of things in their own lives. 

I’m not sure if you’re aware, or if the people that you engage with are aware, but menstruation only occurs for one week every month. You probably don’t know this, but there are four weeks in every month, and 52 weeks in a year. That means that for 36 weeks, or 252 days, a simple $15 menstrual cup from Chemist Warehouse could be used in so many other amazing ways to help you save money.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, or if the people that you engage with are aware, but menstrual cups are made from high grade silicon, which any civil engineer worth their salt will tell you is a hugely useful material around the home. When you aren’t using it to capture the traumatic torrent of blood falling from the inside of your body, you should be aware of its alternate household uses as a thimble, a spinning top, or a bee feeder.

As a former civil engineer, I’d also like to speak to the suction properties of a menstrual cup, which I believe could allow individuals a cost-effective transport option. I’m not sure if you are aware of the documentary Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, where Tom Cruise climbs a skyscraper with suction gloves, but I’d encourage individuals to watch it and consider how their menstrual cup could get them from A to B. 

But wait, there’s more. You probably haven’t the foggiest idea of this, but when you turn a menstrual cup upside down, it looks like a little hat. I’d encourage individuals to seek out this option as an empowering and cost-effective way to accessorise. Individuals can also access a free online resource called Pinterest, where you can find inspiring ideas around using menstrual cups as budget-friendly Christmas decorations. 

Finally, I’m not sure if you, your friends, your colleagues, or anyone you’ve ever met is aware, but a menstrual cup can hold 30ml of liquid, or the equivalent of two tablespoons. For just the one off price of $15, individuals could also use their cup as a cost-effective way to measure out ingredients, or perhaps a standard shot of vodka because some guy on Zoom reckons they are only still poor because they buy tampons. 

Alas, we didn’t get to hear any of this compelling pitch because, in reality, Court’s bold offer was immediately met with confusion, shock and objection. The submitter Rachel Dibble responded by saying that “I don’t think that a $15 menstrual cup is an answer to benefit sanctions, respectfully.” Te Pāti Māori’s Mariameno Kapa-Kingi was less restrained. “I don’t get it, why would a guy ask a woman that question? Just saying it is absolutely absurd and I object to it.” 

“It is completely disrespectful,” she continued. “It has no regard for the essence of her conversation and it is deeply offensive, not surprising but it is offensive.” The chair quickly moved on to the next item on the agenda, and Simon Court’s Chemist Warehouse dream was flushed away. If only they had been aware that, for the bargain bin price of just $15 each, they could have used their menstrual cups as ear plugs the whole time.