Our parliamentary throuple may be the longest running in the country, but cracks are showing. Gabi Lardies wonders if differing attachment styles may be to blame.

Though no one ever anticipated happiness or roses in the three-way coalition, the relationship has wobbled on for over a year without breaking up. This week, however, has been particularly tumultuous, with Christopher Luxon’s two partners misbehaving and sticking by their thrown toys. Perhaps their acting out is due to incompatible attachment styles. 

The psychoanalytic theory goes like this: humans develop different attachment styles in childhood which set the foundation for their adult relationships. 

There are four attachment styles:

• Anxious – driven by a feeling of being unlovable, anxious attachers are clingy and demanding of validation.
• Avoidant – avoidant people are self-reliant. They act cold and defensive, avoid intimacy and hide their feelings.
• Disorganised – this type switches between avoidant and anxious behaviour. They want intimacy and validation, but they don’t trust others, so they’re unpredictable and highly emotional.
• Secure – secure people like themselves and others, they are comfortable communicating honestly and being close to people.

Turmoil follows incompatible attachment types. So what combination is the throuple working with?

Christopher Luxon

It took a while for the public to warm up to the top dog, and polls show that the warmth isn’t lasting. We could chalk this up to avoidant tendencies – he did not attend Waitangi this year, nor greet the huge nationwide Hīkoi mō Te Tiriti at parliament and he was absent for the first reading of the Treaty principles bill. His ability to turn into a wisp of smoke in a tense situation is uncanny.

When asked about difficult topics by the media, Luxon often gives avoidant answers. He is not the “language police”, he was “unaware” of his investment properties’ capital gains, he said he had not seen Casey Costello’s advice on heated tobacco products tax cuts, even eight months later. He even claimed not to know Winston Peters – arguably most of the country knows him and he was set to become a coalition partner. 

Luxon does not appear to be close with his coalition partners. Google image searches “Christopher Luxon and Winston Peters” and “Christopher Luxon and David Seymour” result in composite images and photos from over a year ago when they signed coalition agreements. This week he said “I do not give David Seymour a lot of time”. Questions about their behaviour get him hot and bothered, and he says he doesn’t want to be drawn into “distractions”. It seems Luxon’s heart is saying “avoid, avoid avoid!”

Ruling: Avoidant

David Seymour

If there’s anything Seymour is good at it’s getting attention. Recently he’s hit headlines for the Land Rover incident, his love life, roasting a comedian, writing a letter to the police in support of Philip Polkinghorne and his reaction to warnings that his party’s president Tim Jago, now convicted sex offender, was a sexual predator. Getting more attention than votes is probably the bedrock of his career and attachment style. 

The anxiously attached thrive when receiving attention, even when attention cannot be described as positive. Seymour revels in it – he met the hīkoi against his Treaty principles bill and said he felt “fantastic” afterwards. But he tends to take criticism poorly – on Monday, when Luxon said his Polkinghorne letter was “ill-advised”, Seymour was unrepentant, instead telling RNZ “what’s ill-advised is commenting when you don’t know all the facts”. People with an anxious attachment style find it hard to handle rejection and lashing back is not uncommon.

There is also the bragging, a key characteristic of an anxious attachment style. At the end of last year, David Seymour needed the nation to know that his party had been wielding “disproportionate” influence. The kūmara does not speak of how sweet it is unless it is anxious.

Ruling: Anxious

Winston Peters

The charmer Peters takes delight in the theatre of parliament. Like Seymour, he’s a main character from a minor party. While Peters looks extremely comfortable and stately in his deputy prime minister’s seat, he has a long history of having volatile relationships with his own party, coalition partners and the media. With almost 50 years of experience, the swashbuckling and volatility seem a deft, theatrical dance. 

Last week he attacked immigrant MPs in parliament, but then backed down and met the Mexican ambassador in person. Being able to repair relationships through dialogue is secure behaviour, even if you don’t change your problematic opinions. Yet his outbursts are unpredictable and seemingly driven by emotions. 

Peters often throws out personal barbs. There was “a bunch of coward bully boys” at Te Pāti Māori, “dysfunctional geriatric” at Tim Macindoe and saying Luxon was “struggling, not in a bad way”. Peters works (negotiates) with others when it suits him. He doesn’t care if he pisses other people off. While he might be an honest communicator, often what he says is chaotic. Relationships are transactional and perhaps only props for a tumultuous theatre.

Ruling: Disorganised

The combination is not particularly promising, but the throuple will be pleased to know that attachment styles can change if acknowledged and worked on. Or so say a million Instagram reels.