In the latest edition of The Spinoff’s etiquette guide, we consider how to avoid some common text-messaging pitfalls.
Text messaging! We do it all the time – for many people, it’s the default form of private communication, superseding the phone call, letter or email. There are dozens of platforms, practical and more social reasons to text, occasionally unwritten expectations, and lots of possibilities for great enjoyment.
Here’s a quick tour of the etiquette for sending and receiving texts, and enjoying both the messages and the relationships they are part of.
How to send a text message when you have been very, very late replying
Apologise for not replying. For things like a photo of your nephew at the community art show that you forgot to acknowledge, there’s no need to go into an orgy of apologies; be sincere, but brief. “Sorry I forgot to reply to this pic! He looks sooo cute” at the beginning of your next text is fine.
However, if the text you ignored was something that might truly have hurt someone’s feelings, like not replying to your old flatmate’s message that he was really upset about a break up, or forgetting to congratulate a colleague who Whatsapped you photos of their new child, then skip the text message and give them a call instead.
If someone didn’t pick up the phone
Send them a text explaining why you called. “Kia ora, I was hoping to know your dal recipe for making dinner tonight if you’re around!” or “just saying hi, nothing urgent – would love to talk to you soon” or a “we need to discuss what’s happening with Susanna’s lawyer, give me a ring when you can.” Not a voicemail, no one likes checking voicemail!
How to use emojis and emoji reactions
Emojis and emoticons (made with text :)) can be a useful way to soften messages and convey tone. But with hundreds and hundreds to choose from, deciding between a green or orange heart can be confusing, and interpreting an elephant or broken chain emoji can be perplexing. Ideally, your messages will be clear, rather than artefacts that must be scrutinised like the Rosetta Stone.
When it comes to emojis, keep it simple; one or two will do in most cases. A check mark or thumbs up is a good reply to show you agree with something, and a heart is an easy way to show some compassion and affection. Faces are a good way to convey what kind of mood you wrote something in. But remember that there is always a lightness to emojis. Saying “I’m so upset with him 😠” has a playful campness that a bare “I’m so upset with him” does not.
Emoji reactions are good for efficiency, to show that you agree or support someone, especially in group chats; they’re ideal for situations where your reply would otherwise be a single emoji (or word like “yeah”). However, as discussed below, emoji reactions are inscrutable and less noticeable, so when it’s vital to get a message across, don’t rely on someone seeing your reaction.
How to text your kid’s teacher/your dentist/your plumber
When communicating with people you know in an official or service capacity, all of the above applies, with an added imperative: don’t waste each other’s time. Don’t confirm a dentist appointment with a heart reaction; be clear, brief and polite in each message. And reply quickly, because these messages are usually time sensitive, determining whether there will be oranges for the halftime at soccer this afternoon or you’re at home for someone to take a look at the garage door.
How to send a message to a group chat
Group chats can be so fun! They can also be so annoying and distracting. Most group chats have their own culture, but if all you’re going to post is an emoji, then just use the emoji react – or if too many messages are annoying you, mute away.
If you want to send information to some people in the group that not everyone will be interested in, then just make a spinoff group, even if it just gets used for the social netball season and never again.
How to decide which platform to use to contact someone
Ah, the eternal conundrum: your Facebook Messenger friends, Instagram DM colleagues, WhatsApp uncles, and SMS cousins. Which do you use to contact someone? Is it OK to have beloved friends whose phone numbers you don’t know after a decade of relationship? Does your girlfriend’s love of privacy mean that four years of messages need to migrate from Instagram DMs to Signal?
In general, be consistent with what platform you communicate with a particular person on; remember that SMS messages aren’t particularly secure, while all Meta-owned messaging platforms (WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook) are encrypted, although they also use your data to make advertising revenue. Signal is a secure not-for-profit alternative.
When to let a text conversation come to its natural end
Spending weeks in a slow “how are you”, “yup doing well” game of phone tag can be just as corrosive to a relationship as a flurry of hectic messages to your Slow Horses buddy after the latest episode before you decide there’s nothing more to say to each other. The “flurry” type messages are easy to draw to a conclusion, because everyone understands that it’s not possible to give undivided attention to your phone for long periods of time. Saying “It’s been lovely to chat, I need to go to bed/school/the supermarket now” is a good way to not leave someone else hanging.
For the conversation that drags out with asynchronous responses, it’s best to end on something substantial that doesn’t invite immediate reply, like: “It’s been so nice to hear from you, I’m having such a great time pursuing my Masters in architecture and living in Prague, let me know if you need some advice in January about what Antonio might like for his birthday!”
How to schedule a catch up
Wow, it’s so hard to see your friends these days! There’s a loneliness epidemic! And given it’s so difficult to keep in touch, and in many ways communicating via messages is so unfulfilling, then it should be a great joy to find a time to see someone you like without needing to tap on a screen first. (Or, second best, find a time to call them.)
When making plans over text, don’t be vague. Too many friendships have withered and died in people replying to Instagram stories saying “it would be nice to see you soon” and stopping there. Start with a general time: “next week” or “this evening” or “when I’m visiting in November”. If you have a specific activity to propose, or already know your availability, lead with that: “go for a walk”, “I’m free on Tuesday evening if you want to give me a ring anytime after 6pm” or “are you keen to try the new toastie shop behind the park”.
Plans are confirmed when both parties have agreed to the plan, not when one person has proposed a date, time and activity, and the other person has heart reacted. When you’re agreeing to a plan, type it out; don’t send a voice message, just so it’s easy to refer back to when you’re like, “wait where did we agree to meet”?
On ‘just checking’ texts
You’ve managed to lock in a time! But no, the ordeal is not over: there is another text message to come. “Does tonight still work for you?”, “Just checking that we are still meeting for lunch?” If you are the person who is changing already agreed-to plans, the onus is on you to communicate it as soon as possible.
The “just checking” text is understandable, but has to be used judiciously. The ideal is simply to trust that whoever you’re meeting will show up, and to have that same trust extended to you. But if you’re feeling the itch to check, there are three factors to consider: the time elapsed since the plans were agreed to, the reliability of the person/people you are meeting, and acts of God. If you agreed on plans within the last week then don’t worry about re-confirming. But if the person you’re meeting is very forgetful and/or busy, that rule can be ignored – go ahead and check again.
The same goes for if there has been a major event beyond both party’s control, eg a natural disaster, a derailing on the train lines, or the news that there are likely to be aurora visible that evening, in which case circumstances will force changed plans. In that case, include this detail in the message: “Hi, I’m still planning to go for a walk with you at the beach this evening, but I know it’s been your lifelong wish to see the Southern Lights, so I just wanted to check that you’re still planning to be there?” This comes across as both thoughtful and compassionate, as well as pragmatic.
If you’re running late
If you’re running less than five minutes late, don’t bother texting. If it’s more than that, send an ETA.